Merry Christmas, Cayucos ne’er-do-wells

December 22, 2019


Editor’s Note: The following series, “Life in Radically Gentrifying Cayucos by the Sea,” to be posted biweekly includes the notes, thoughts, and opinions of an original American voice: author Dell Franklin. 


The holier-than-thou crusaders of Cayucos, who recently saw fit to tear off the empty beer cans decorating the little nondescript fir tree in front of the south lot, must understand that so-called ne’er-do-wells are sensitive people. I know this because, as a person long suspected of being a ne’er-do-well, and at times admittedly existing as a full-fledged ne’er do well, I become slightly incensed when being accused of being a ne’er-do-well.

Now, about the boys who hang around the South Lot late afternoons and evenings, who have also been accused of being ne’er-do-wells by the holier-than-thou crusaders of Cayucos: They are not really ne’er-do-wells, though a man named Patrick, who might or might not be the only unemployed person of this crew, could argue that he lives quite joyously under the moniker of ne’er-do-well, because, well, Patrick seems joyous most of the time. Though when he did discover that the holier-than- thou crusaders ripped his prize beer cans off his carefully decorated, dwarf-sized, raggedy fir tree, he was aroused, and more than miffed.

Patrick and the boys, who took tremendous pride in their creativity as they attached one empty half quart beer can after another in purposely haphazard fashion on said tree, meant only to celebrate the
Christmas spirit in Cayucos in the best way they knew how.

They had no idea they were outraging the holier-than-thou crusaders of Cayucos, and provoking them into furtively skulking around in the darkness, long after the ne’er-do-wells scattered to their vans and hovels, and destroyed their little contribution to the lights and ornaments popping up all over Christmas crazy Cayucos–a time when the holiest of the holier-than-thou crusading Cayucans feel an obsessive ownership of Cayucos and are most vulnerable to hate the ne’er-do-wells lurking so nearby, where they seem to be having a great time drinking beer, laughing and tossing balls to their dogs, high-fiving, hugging, and, of course, attaching empty beer cans to their beloved yet pathetic little tree.

What the holier-than-thou crusaders must understand is that these people are not ne’er-do-wells. A couple of them own their own businesses. Even the ones living in their vans are employed. None of them have ever been seen half as drunk as those exiting the Tavern or Schooner’s Wharf or any of the restaurants in town where wine and hard liquor is consumed with piquant dishes.

Basically, these are just a bunch of guys who aren’t particularly ambitious, yet, at the same time, they partake in enough of the work ethic to survive and possibly enjoy a little comradeship, a kind of looking forward to spending valued time with buddies.

“Why the fuck would they want to do this?” Patrick asked, pacing, clearly agitated after discovering the barren little fir tree. “Well, the holier-than-thou crusaders’ kids might see this tree after observing the big beauty across the street, and be scarred for life by the sight of it,” I tried to explain.

Another lanky blond kid, gainfully employed, surfboard atop his SUV, said, “Assholes. That tree wasn’t bothering anybody. It was a fun tree. It was our tree.”

“Well, this is fantasyland,” I said. “Especially this time of year. Perhaps the little tree was taken as a sort of anti-Christ image. The children would certainly be scarred by that.”

“We loved our little tree,” Patrick said. “I’m bummed.”

Patrick is kind of the centerpiece of the so-called ne’er-do-wells. Every group has its leader, even so-called ne’er-do-wells.

As I stared sadly at the now barren little fir tree, and learned that Happily Homeless Dave wasn’t the only person to receive an “open container” citation from the police these last few evenings, I thought of asking Patrick to lead a charge in re-decorating the tree, since one little session of beer drinking could possibly fill the tree with joyous empty beer cans.

But then I thought, the holier-than-thou crusaders would probably have sentries patrolling the lot into the wee hours, ask the sheriff’s department for extra officers in this emergency of sacrilege, and might even collect a band of their sanctimonious ilk and tear the poor sad tree from its roots so that, never again, can the so-called ne’er-do-wells of slumberous, serene Cayucos decorate their little tree.

“Merry Christmas, ne’er-do-wells”

Old Salt

Dell Franklin once again is praising the LOOTERS in Society by putting down hardworking successful people who’ve worked 40 hours or more per week to own what they have, and that wouldn’t be a Christ-mas tree decorated with beer cans!

Although Christ Jesus turned “water into wine”, alcoholism is a disease and that lifestyle shouldn’t be advocated or celebrated by Dell Franklin here on CCN.

Ayn Rand in “Atlas Shrugged” warned us about these looters, these “Ne’er-do-wells”, that want to destroy CAPITALISM and those hard working “holier-than-thou crusaders”, that Dell Franklin seems to detest.


Hopefully one day they’ll find a cure for alcoholism AND capitalism. I contracted the former several years ago and I live in Missouri where it FLOODS about 12 months out of THE YEAR! The latter, I’ve had a couple bouts with but always pulled through.

Old Salt

Here’s hoping you continue your sobriety…


I love Ayn Rand and capitalism, the most moral form of commerce on the planet because consumers alone are responsible for the success or failure of an immoral business. Since you subscribe to such a fundamentally accurate assessment of personal responsibility …

… how is it you buy the old garbage that alcoholism is a “disease”?

The modern medical establishment has a LOT invested in sheeple believing such hornswaggle in spite of the fact that it is as obvious as the sun in the sky that IF alcoholism is a disease, it is self-inflicted and self-cured. I know it for certain from first-hand experience of many decades’ duration.

If all that was needed for the symptoms to subside was a change in behavior, making a difference CHOICE, in someone with a real disease like multiple sclerosis or genuine Type 1 diabetes (guaranteed fatal without insulin injections) compared to stupid-eating-created and smart-eating-cured “Type 2 diabetes”) … THEY WOULD DO IT.

The same as a sensible person would stop eating bananas if they made him break out in a painful rash. It’s a CHOICE to make when nature isn’t “fair.” The alcoholic who continues to ruin his/her life and the lives of others because of bad behavior suffers NOT from a “disease” but lack of personal accountability for his choices.

The BIGGER problem however is in a society where arrogant snots empowered by government presume to remove the splinter in the eyes of “lesser people” instead of tending to the plank in their own.

Old Salt


There are differences of Opinions: says:

Alcoholism is considered disease because it affects the way the brain operates.

It causes symptoms such as compulsive behavior and intense cravings.

It disrupts a person’s ability to think critically, make rational decisions and function normally.

IMHO, It affects the brain like Meth does…and it’s very difficult to stop without intervention. As you say, a person has to take accountability for his choices.


You think wine, spirits, booze, affects the brain like meth?!? Really?? Because of credibility invested in “science” such as that spouted by DrugRehab? Part and parcel of a large industry that spends as much on marketing/fear mongering as it does on treatment?

“There’s people will buy anything.” — Fauna, Sweet Thursday (John Steinbeck, 1954)


Ask our Commander In Chief what it did to his brother, Fred. They say Fred was even smarter than Trump. Well, I guess he was a Trump too.