Renaming our U.S. naval vessels

June 17, 2016

By T. KEITH GURNEE

With the recent aggressive sorties flown by Russian jets just 120 feet over the USS Cook in the Baltic Sea against all treaty protocols just a few months ago, it looks like our reaction has been to do what we have done for the last 31/2 years: observe and do nothing. What a message that we are sending the world when international respect for us has hit an all-time low!

In recognition of our less than bold foreign policy, perhaps it’s time to consider renaming our naval vessels to reflect the true and sorry state of our reputation around the world these days. Until now, we have named our military vessels after our past Presidents (the Ronald Reagan, the Dwight Eisenhower, etc.), nautical sea life (the Thresher, the Nautilus, etc.), stinging insects (the Wasp, the Hornet), or states (the Missouri, the Iowa, etc.). But perhaps it’s time to name our military ships in recognition of the reality of what we have become—a wet paper tiger. How about these names:

·         The USS Prevaricator, stationed off the coast of Libya, aptly named for Hillary Clinton’s lies and lack of reaction to the calls for help from our embassy in Benghazi.

·         The USS Congress, a posh cruise liner, constantly traveling in circles in Chesapeake Bay, whose passengers voraciously consume taxpayer dollars while complaining about everything and doing absolutely nothing about it.

·         The USS Untrump to be stationed in the Sea of Japan assigned to observing South Korea and Japan to see what they do with the nuclear weapons Donald Trump wants to give them.

·         The USS Pelosi, a frigate armed with unguided missiles with instructions for their use that are impossible to comprehend. Written by Congressional Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, the first page of the instructions reads “When needing to use missiles, just press the red button and read the rest of the instructions later.”

·         The USS Bushwhacker plying the seas off Iraq, named for President George W. Bush’s invasion of Iraq in the belief that “weapons of mass destruction” were there when they weren’t and for his failure to understand the consequences of that invasion.

·         The USS Stalemate, also stationed off the coast of Iraq, named for President Barack Obama’s premature withdrawal from Iraq, leaving the country in a constant state of a no-win war.

·         The USS Appeasement, cruising off the coast of Iran and named for Secretary of State John Kerry’s negotiation of a one-sided deal for Islamic terrorism against the best wishes of our foremost ally, Israel.

·         The USS Hollow Threat stationed off Syria, named for Obama’s allowing the Syrians to cross “the red line” of using chemical weapons on its own people which subsequently led to the birth and growth of ISIS.

·         The USS Timidity cruising the Baltic Sea, named for meekly tolerating a violation of an international treaty by Russian jets over the USS Cook, thereby demonstrating our willingness to be shamed without recourse.

·         The USS Avoidance situated in the Black Sea, in recognition of our merely watching as Russia invaded the Crimea and the Ukraine when it should be a NATO member.

·         The USS Jihad, a transport ship, named for ferrying a steady stream of Muslim immigrants infiltrated by terrorists from the Middle East across the Atlantic to the United States.

·         The USS Sieve, a rivercraft gunboat that lost its guns when the US government sold them to the Mexican drug cartels. This vessel would patrol the Mexican border along the Rio Grande to ensure that illegal immigrants are able to get across the river to the United States safely and find a way to register as Democrats.

·         The USS Handwringer cruising the Sea of Japan, named for our hands-off policy on North Korea’s manufacture of nuclear weapons and missiles capable of delivering those weapons to the United States.

·          The USS Stand Down, cautiously plying the South China Sea while watching as China builds and militarizes new islands in international waters.

·         The USS 2nd Amendment, mothballed former troop transport being used as political target practice off the coast of Norfolk, Virginia. Despite taking heavy fire from the left, it simply refuses to sink.

·         The USS Nonresponsive, a hospital ship managed by the Department of Veteran Affairs that travels the globe at three speeds: slow, slower, and slowest while rarely responding to the healthcare needs of our veterans.

·         The USS Koskinen, a duck boat that travels on both land and sea named for IRS Commissioner John Koskinen. This vehicle is dedicated to roaming the country and hunting down and auditing any Americans who disagree with the policies of the Obama administration and the would be Clinton administration while laying down a smokescreen to obfuscate any congressional investigations into IRS wrongdoing.

These names are not intended to demean our brave men and women of our military who serve us so well in the Navy. They deserve better. Instead, these names reflect the sorry state of affairs our nation is in under our present state of affairs in Washington. Will our next President take a different approach to our foreign-policy while rebuilding our respect in the eyes of world and ensuring our allies that we have their backs? With the choices we are being given, it’s hard to see how.

In this “hold-your-nose” election for President between two power-hungry egotists–one an inveterate liar and the other a bellicose bully—we are being given a “Sophie’s Choice”. If Hillary gets elected, she may be the first President to pardon herself while packing the Supreme Court with Justices who will protect her. If it’s Trump, we may be governed by tantrum rather than rationality. Who knows what the outcome of this election holds for our country? But regardless of which one of them wins, one thing is  certain: never before will our constitutional system of checks and balances be more important than during the next 4 years.

T. Keith Gurnee is a retired urban designer and a former member of the San Luis Obispo City Council.